New Hampshire and Vermont are the drama kids. No one has any idea what they’re doing, and it all looks pretty weird, but they seem happy enough, I guess. New Hampshire will end up with a decent career, a few commercials, a failed pilot or two. Vermont will work at Starbucks till he’s 50.
New Mexico doesn’t speak a lot of English. She looks like she cries a lot too. She does know the best restaurants in town, surprisingly.
Oklahoma is the back up quarterback, and seriously, he would be amazing if they’d just let him play. Just ask him. He and Texas are friendly enough, but they also tend to beat the shit out of each other when they’re drunk. Oklahoma wins more often than not.
Michigan is so over high school. Her older sister is a Chi O legacy at UNC and she doesn’t have time for these children in high school. Ugh, so bourgiouse.
Ohio FUCKING LOVES HIGH SCHOOL. Seriously, best years of your life for a reason, right? His buddy Texas (well, maybe not buddy but sometimes they hang out at parties and Texas gave him money once for a beer run, so yeah, they’re friends) knows what’s up. Ohio is also on the wrestling team.
Tennessee and Arkansas drive their trucks into the grassy lawn across from the school, chew tobacco and play George Strait at full blast. They fly Confederate flags just to get a rise out of the administration. Tennessee will go on to a prosperous career as an agricultural scientist. Arkansas will end up serving 25-life for manslaughter.
Missouri hangs out with them… until the meth habit kicks in.
Louisiana doesn’t get invited to parties anymore. That asshole is insane.
Mississippi… I mean, we should organize a charity drive for her, right? It’s sad. She’s probably too proud to take the money, but we all can see she’s worn that shirt three days in a row, right?
Illinois always has his hand up first for everything. He will engage the teachers in hour long debates about minutae. He also has to repeat his senior year after it turns out he was cheating on literally every test.
We get it, Connecticut, you’ve been to Europe. A lot. Every World Geography class is interrupted with “well, when I was in Vienna.” Also, unpop your collar, bro. It’s 2013. At least you have a bit of class with your money though, unlike Florida.
Massachusetts silently goes about his work. He just wants to get out. He will end up being the most successful out of the whole school, which no one would ever have guessed.
Rhode Island is Connecticut’s yes man. It’s kind of sad, actually, but it seems to work for them.
When you first meet Pennsylvania, you think you’ve met another New York, or at least a North Carolina. Then you get a few drinks in her and you realize she’s actually another Arkansas.
South Carolina’s parents are doomsday preppers, and she will spend entire lunch hours berating you about the impending rapture. She cans her own vegetables, has a stockpile of guns, and can make whiskey from apple cores and orange peels.
North Dakota is quiet. Too quiet. Like FBI file on him quiet.
Minnesota is a lot like Utah, minus the overtly religious part. Seriously, how can one person be so nice? Minnesota will hand you a dollar in the cafeteria because you’re just a bit short that day. When you offer to pay it back the next day, he tells you to just “pay it forward.” For some reason this makes you want to punch Minnesota in the face.
Kentucky draws horses all over all her notebooks. She’s done this since she was 6. She’s now 17.
Kansas constantly falls asleep in class, because his parents are insane and wake him up at the crack of dawn to do chores. He’s probably pretty smart, but you’d never know because his mind is always elsewhere.
Nebraska is the opposite of Pennsylvania. He wears boots to school and talks with a twang, but he’s also reading Pynchon on breaks and could talk for hours about symbolism in Fellini’s earlier works.
Wyoming thinks this makes Nebraska gay.
South Dakota just hangs out with North Dakota, ok? He’s not into all that weird shit, they just play video games, so stop questioning him.
West Virginia sells the rest of the school flasks of his parents’ alcohol collection.
Delaware sells the rest of the school Adderall.
Maryland’s family was in the military. Maryland is just waiting to join himself. He comes from a bad neighborhood, and he’s seen shit, man. He’s seen shit.
Iowa is totally non-descript, yet for some reason people value the hell out of his opinion. No real reason for this, but come student council election time, everyone fucking LOVES Iowa.
Maine was silent until senior year. He was then asked to give a presentation in speech class, and he spoke so eloquently of his grandmother’s last words and the need for improved senior care that the entire class was bawling by the end. He then never said another word for the rest of the semester. He ended up going to one of those colleges that doesn’t give grades.
Montana regularly skips school to go rock climbing. Some day he’s going to be found dead in Alaska, killed by the grizzly bears he went there to study, and no one at all will be surprised.
Hawaii is the new kid. We’re not sure about him yet.
